How I turned my Marriage Around

How did I turn my marriage around? Well before I can answer that and go into the reason I wrote “Turning Toward”, I need to make a few disclaimers.

1. I could never take full credit for the state of my marriage. My husband is an amazing, patient and good man and he deserves all the credit in the world for our relationship. When I talk about how I turned my marriage around, I’m talking about my part in the relationship, turning myself around. I’m talking about my views, my love, my angst and my struggles in the marriage. I’m talking about maturing myself.
2. One more disclaimer. My marriage wasn’t necessarily on the rocks, but we weren’t where I felt we needed to be, especially with having two children with special needs, we needed to be strong. We weren’t talking about divorce necessarily, but there was a period of time when Brad made serious comments about not being sure we would still be married in the future. That hit me, because deep down, I knew he was right. I knew we were headed in the wrong direction and I knew I had to do something about it.

Turning Toward Music Video – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECUQkcuPN4A

Background

Brad and I were married in March of 2004. After 10 years of marriage we found ourselves living in another state, away from our families, with a beautiful daughter, and two special little boys. In a lot of ways life had become much more difficult than we had anticipated for ourselves. I struggled to cope with the knowledge that my two younger children were dying. It seemed like too much to handle. I became overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. I felt a loss of control over our circumstances and therefore tried to control anything and anyone I could. I began to see this crazy lady pattern coming out in myself and didn’t like who I was becoming.

Choosing

As I began to see this pattern happening, I gradually cut extra things out of my life that I had been doing because I knew I needed to take a step back, slow down and figure out how to manage my life better. I knew I needed to become a better person in this new circumstance, I just didn’t know how. I began to find and read anything I could about parenting, marriage, time management, organization, emotional health and physical health. I felt a lot of pressure to make the years that we had with our children good. I didn’t want to look back at these years with regret, knowing I could have done better. I didn’t want my marriage to crumble. I wanted to have something we could hold onto forever. I didn’t want my relationship with my daughter to suffer as well because of my difficulties.  

Wife for Life

The resource that really inspired the writing of this song was the book “Wife for Life, an inspirational guide to a Grand Marriage”. This book made me believe again that I really could have a beautiful love, a holy love. I could become the person I wanted to be, but also love me as I was, where I was at. It helped me understand myself and my husband much better. I began to try to apply the principles in the book, but was feeling the need for some further direction. I then joined the online marriage course run by the author of the book, Ramona Zabriskie. I repeated this course 3 times and in turn learned the principles in a much deeper and long lasting way.

In “Wife for Life”, the author Ramona teaches a concept from marriage expert Dr. John Gottman called “Turning Toward”. Dr. Gottman has seen this principle make or break marriages over his years and years of research.

• “‘Turning toward’ is not about doing things for each other necessarily; it’s more about teeny-tiny-pocket-sized responses to everyday situations: responses that communicate ‘I love you’ by showing ‘I’m here for you honey.’ It’s about lighting up when he makes the slightest bid for your attention” (Wife for Life)
• “The best way to prevent an earthquake is to build a foundation of friendship, to become his Intimate and his Dream Maker, to secure your love with ties of trust by turning toward intimacy at every opportunity possible. Then, when the tremors come your way – as they will, even on the Road to Forever – it will be just a china cup, a feeling or two, that gets rattled. With a stable, reinforced foundation, nothing breaks. No one has to get hurt.” (Wife for Life)

Practice, Practice, Practice

Over the last four years:

• I’ve practiced the art of “Turning Toward” my husband over and over again, including prioritizing weekly dates. It often took a lot of creativity to figure out how to make them happen.
• I’ve forgiven and asked for forgiveness, over and over…and accepted that as part of the journey.
• I’ve journal-ed, brainstormed and contemplated Brad’s perspective and manhood, becoming more and more in awe and inspired by him.
• I’ve practiced thinking kind thoughts about myself, recognizing that my value is set and letting the idea settle in my mind that we are all equally valuable and 100% love-able.
• I’ve practiced filling my own bucket and then being simply grateful for anything else that Brad adds to it.
• I’ve chosen love…more and more. Love feels good, it feels the best. And it is always an option.

Now Brad and I have a deeper connection, friendship and love than we have ever had. We are totally human and that’s ok. We love and accept each other and are in this together.

What the song “Turning Toward” means to me

This song, to me, demonstrates the progress that happens when someone seeks out knowledge, decides to change and then makes the steps toward improving themselves for the benefit of others. It’s not only about the tiny turning towards moments, but also the overall evolution of marriage. It’s about coming to know ourselves as women…our beauty, power and strength along with seeing our husbands with new eyes. It is a declaration that one person has the power to change a relationship completely. And lastly, it is a tribute to my husband and a promise that I will always choose him.

Turning Toward – Original