I’m not alone. There’s more in me…than me.

Here’s what inspired the song, “Not Alone”.

After two of my three children were diagnosed with a rare and eventually fatal disorder, I had a hard time adjusting to our new normal. And in reality, every time one of my boys would lose a major skill or ability, I had to “re-calibrate” myself or re-center, trying to figure out how to live in this new way. It wasn’t easy for me. There were many days when I had this low level depression, this deep feeling of sadness that I couldn’t shake. I often felt a low level of anxiety as well, a feeling of worry, stress and there were times when I didn’t know how to relax. I felt like my brain was in a fog. It was hard to concentrate. It was hard to think about the future, although I frequently lived in the future instead of the present moment, wondering how things would go. But that only brought pain and fear.

Turning to God during these times was a conscious decision for me. It had to make a conscious choice to get out of bed each morning, to turn this “negative” situation into a happy and empowering situation. I had to kneel down and listen. I had to look up and ask for help. One time when Eli was sick and as I was putting him to bed, I prayed for him. I prayed hard. I felt this strength inside of me well up, this determination to do anything I could to be what he needed me to be. I had this feeling that there might be angels there with us in that small bedroom, supporting me, and watching over him. In that moment, I felt the Holy Ghost and I felt God’s love. I knew I wasn’t alone….

Coming to the realization that living in the future was mostly not helpful…was actually really helpful :). I didn’t have exact answers. I didn’t have perfect knowledge. Worrying about and looking into the “what ifs” and the “I wonders” seemed blurry and stressful. But I could have peace in the moment. I could have comfort in the moment. Remembering that this life is short and none of us know when we will die, put our situation into perspective. Yes, it is sad sometimes, but it is fine. We are so blessed. I realized that there was more in me….than me. I am a daughter of God, therefore I have divinity in me. I have his help through the power of the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ has saved my children and me as long as I remain faithful. My children are safe and it doesn’t matter when they move on to the next life. God will take care of them.

So, I choose to wake up each morning, become the person he wants me to become, take care of my family and look up to God each day…believing that it will all work out in the end.